Miscommunication: failure to communicate adequately.
Learning how to communicate and get across exactly what you are trying to say to someone can be very difficult sometimes. Much like reading a road map upside down to nowhere.
So I’m waiting for my girlfriend to come over to my place for the evening after she gets off from work. I live in an apartment in downtown LA, where although it’s getting a massive make over and becoming super trendy, the homeless and crazy’s still roam around like they’re in an episode of the Walking Dead. I have one underground parking spot in my building and when she stays over I usually find a place to park outside and give up the space to her. On this particular day, I tell her to call me when she’s gets to the apartment so I can meet her outside and let her into the gate to park. Normally, she has her own set of keys but for some reason not today. Are you with me so far? So here’s where the fun starts. She calls me to let me know that she’s about 5 minutes away and I’m like “Cool, I’ll see you soon”. As we discussed earlier,I’m still thinking that she’s going to call me when she arrives. Five minutes pass and no call. Ten minutes go by as I’m staring at my phone and nothing. I’m literally standing by waiting for her to call so I can head down to greet her. Still no call. I figured traffic must be heavy and that’s why it’s taking her so long. Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door and when I open it, low and behold, there she is standing at the door with this disgruntled look on her face. Okay, let me call it for what it really was, she was pissed! She tells me that she waited outside for like ten minutes and then decided to drive around and find her own place to park. I asked her why she didn’t call me to let me know that she was here as we had discussed earlier? She tells me that she did call (remember that “I’ll be there in 5 minutes call”?) and that I should’ve already been outside waiting to let her through the gate. Uh, what?! Wait a minute, what the F**k?! Did I just miss something here? Didn’t I say to call me when you got here? Clearly, in my head I had a plan that I was adhering to and ready to take action. But obviously she had already executed her part of the plan and I was wrong. There was a disconnect somewhere along the way and the end result was worth two thumbs down. Boo!
One of the biggest reasons why couples end up at odds is because of miscommunication. Which leads to arguing and fighting over things that could have easily been avoided if we had just stuck with the philosophy “Say what you mean and mean what you say”.
Not always easy right? I mean we all want to convey our expressions and feelings into words to our significant other, but sometimes they just don’t come out in the exact way that we want them to. Sometimes what we communicate doesn’t line up exactly with what we are trying to say at all; leaving the other person feeling frustrated, angry or confused. Resulting in both of you pointing the finger at each other in a game of “he said, she said”.
Here’s a great example, and by the way, we’re all victims of this one and there’s also a ton of different options to use for this scenario. Now, I’m going to go at it from the guys point of view. So ladies, let’s say you’re looking forward to seeing your guy and are excited about date night. You’re dressed to the nines and ready to go and he comes walking through the door and tells you that he’s had a really long day and is too tired to go out. Or, better yet, he calls you to tell you that he’s still swamped at work and won’t be able to get away. He ends each of these conversations with the phrase “I’m so sorry, is that ok”?
So how do you respond? Well, I’ll tell you. The biggest response, hands down, is “I totally get it and it’s fine”. Now, in this situation when a girl says that it’s fine, it usually means that she doesn’t get it at all and it’s definitely not fine. This statement usually means that the guy is in serious trouble and he will have a lot of explaining to do in order to smooth things over. But why is that? Why couldn’t she just have communicated exactly what she wanted to say to him in that moment? Why talk to him in code, to which now, the guy thinks she’s being a cool chick and he thinks he’s being completely understood and is off the hook. When in fact, the next time he sees her she’s going to be distant and cold and he’ll be blindsided by her mute and angry expressions. Leaving him feeling puzzled and confused on what just happened.
Guys, when you’re in a situation like this and that statement comes up (Oh, and trust me it will). You need to make sure you’re present and aware of her underlying needs and don’t ignore them. Be sure to address the issue at hand right away and make her feel secure before it starts to fester. Reassuring her that you will make it up to her and, for god sake, follow through and don’t make it a habit of canceling on these special occasions.
Ladies, be willing to share how you feel, even if it’s not all that pleasant. You don’t want him thinking that you’re upset with him even when you’re not. Because then it leads to two people feeling bad instead of just one.
Always make sure you take the time to think through what you want to say to your significant other before you just recklessly belt out something that will require a decoder ring to decipher. This will help you to execute your actions and give you a more positive outcome. Which points all arrows to communicating more clearly.
One of my biggest flaws, is trying to out think what the other person might want me to do without ever communicating with them at all. Putting me even in a deeper hole rather than on top of the winners stand. For example, I call her and say, “I’m heading to the store to grab a few things before I come home”. And while I’m there, I end up buying a bunch of things that I know we need. But when I get home, I realize that she’s already done the shopping and I just bought duplicates of everything she just did. Well, that was dumb! If I had just taken the time to think about what I wanted to say to her while we were on the phone, it would’ve saved me, not only a trip to the grocery store, but also an apology and possible argument. How many times have you said to yourself “In hindsight I should have done….”. Duh!!
Being able to compose your own thoughts and feelings will help you to better express what you’re to say to the other person. Whether it be positive or negative, you’re creating a mutual respect for each other. Which makes communicating easier resulting in a better relationship.
Oh, and if you’re wondering what the outcome was of the initial first story; I apologized. Thank goodness I have an awesome girlfriend and we were able to talk it out and learn from that experience. I didn’t fully convey to her what I wanted done so she had received mixed signals on how to proceed. We both decided that in the future we needed to communicate our objective to each other more clearly and precisely. This way we would avoid future conflict which could result in an argument and fighting.
So the next time you have something you want to say, think before you speak and “Say what you mean, and mean what you say”.